Tales From The Fraud Department

Cube Farms across the country are very diverse in the services they provide on a customer service level. One of my former co-workers works for a company that monitors and provides fraud protection for many credit card companies. “Peter” has regaled me with countless and uproariously hilarious tales of the drama and the horrors of working in the Fraud Dept. This is one of his stories.

Peter sat in his hard, creaky and extremely uncomfortable swivel chair; which should have been condemned as a safety hazard 20 years ago. He stared at the walls in his miserably small and gray cubical, waiting and dreading his next call.

“Thank you for calling ‘your credit card company fraud dept., this is Peter, how may I assist you today?”

“I WANNA KNOW WHO JUST CALLED ME?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! WHY DID YOU LEAVE A MSG ON MY PHONE ABOUT SOME CRAP ABOUT FRAUD ON MY CARD?!” The caller roared into the phone, almost causing Peter’s eardrum to burst as Peter quickly jabbed the button repeatedly to turn down the volume. Not that it really helped, the guy was so loud his co-workers in nearby cubes stood up trying to find out where the yelling was coming from.

“Yes, sir you were contacted by our fraud detection department because of a recent transaction and we want to make sure the charge is valid.” “I just need to verify some information from you and we can take a look at your account.” Peter just knew this call was about to go to shit fast! He could smell it already!

“YOU THINK I’M STUPID?! YOU MUST THINK I’M STUPID, IF YOU THINK I BELIEVE THAT MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY IS JUST GONNA CALL ME OUT OF THE BLUE ABOUT SOME DAMN CHARGE ON MY ACCOUNT?! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU PEOPLE! YOU PEOPLE CALL UP AND ACT LIKE YOU ARE DOING A SERVICE AND YOU TAKE PEOPLE’S PERSONAL INFORMATION AND SELL IT AND THEN WE HAVE IDENTITY THEFT! WELL I AIN’T FALLING FOR IT!” As the caller screamed and yelled his distrust into the phone with such force and venom, Peter seriously thought the guy was gonna croak from either an aneurysm or a heart attack! Peter could barely get a word in to try to calm the guy down, but he was on a roll as he kept shouting “YOU MUST THINK I’M STUPID!” over and over again.

Peter really didn’t want to deal with this psycho any longer and prayed the guy would just hang up because his co-workers were passing around lunch menus and he didn’t wanna get left out on the ordering. God he wished this guy would shut up already!

“Sir, I completely understand your concern. If you don’t feel comfortable  speaking to me, you can just call the number on the back of your card and the automated system will transfer you to the fraud department.”

“YEAH, I’M GONNA DO THAT! I’M GONNA CALL THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU AND THE POLICE AND LET THEM KNOW I GOT A SCAMMER CALLING ME! THEIR GONNA SEARCH THIS NUMBER AND ARREST YOU!" The man screamed before he disconnected the call.

Wow! Peter thought as he thanked God that the call was over, that guy was a complete nut job. Then he went to give his lunch order, he was excited because it was “Tacos Tuesday”! 

As Peter was instant messaging his lunch order, Jenny, a cube farm “newbie” popped up over her cube. 

“Omg! Why was that guy yelling at you?!” she whispers conspiratorially, eyes wide as saucers, headset still firmly planted on her head.

Peter sighed, giving her the look. “Another “happy customer.”

Vicki, a cube "lifer", popped up and joined the conversation.

“Yeah man, that guy was freaking screaming at you,” she laughed.

“He’s been reading too many conspiracy stories. The guy didn’t believe we’re the real credit fraud people.” Peter shook his head. “People these days.”

15 minutes and two calls later………..

“Thank you for calling ‘your credit card company fraud dept., this is Peter, how may I assist you today?”

“PETER?! DID YOU SAY THIS IS PETER?!” OMG! Peter could not believe his dumb luck! The same crazy lunatic just called back! What are the odds that he got back the same crazed psychopath that he JUST got off the phone with! Only his odds! The Gods must truly hate and despise him!!

“Yes sir, this is Peter. How may I assist you today?” Peter prayed to the Sweet Baby Jesus that this guy would cooperate so he could get on with his miserable cube life!!

“I don’t understand, I just called the number on the back of my card, punched in all my information and I got you again?! HOW DID I GET YOU AGAIN?! WHAT KIND OF INSANE OPERATION ARE YOU GUYS RUNNING HERE?! DID YOU HIJACK THE 800 NUMBER ON THE BACK OF MY CARD?!"This guy was completely certifiable; mentally disturbed didn't even begin to describe this guy!

"No sir, this really is "your credit card company's" fraud dept. The reason you were routed to our department is because we placed a hold on your account to make sure there are no fraud charges." Peter felt if he had to repeat this statement one more time he would gouge his eyes out with his head set!

"You say there's a hold on my account?" Wow! Peter thought, maybe this guy is ready to see reason.

"Yes sir, I just need to verify your name, last four digits of your social security number and your date of birth and then we can check out your account." Peter said cheerfully; still praying to Sweet Baby Jesus that this guy would give up the goods so he could eat his damn tacos! They had just arrived and the mouthwatering aroma was making him dizzy!

20 minutes later......

After Peter practically had to talk the irate caller down off a ledge because he was so paranoid and freaked out about giving out "sensitive" information. Peter finally was able to convince the guy he really was the 'real' fraud department and guess what? You guessed it, he really did have fraud on his account, I mean unless he really did purchase life-size blow-up dolls and sexually oriented paraphernalia at a porn shop in China.

If you have any funny stories of your Cube Farm life, please comment!!!