Who Stole My Lunch Bag?!!

There is never a dull moment on the Cube Farm. Just when I’m thinking that this is going to be another Manic Monday, where I’d rather eat glass than take one more phone call, there's a curve ball thrown just in the nick of time to chase the Monday blues away.

So I’m in my cube listening to the 99th customer yammering on and on about how long she’s been on hold and how we are evil incarnate and the root of all her problems, blah blah blah, when my co-worker “Sandra” bolts into my cube all frantic like a crack head looking for crack rock; telling me some thieving ass bastard stole her lunch bag! And not a brown paper bag, but a $30; in my opinion, overpriced insulated lunch bag with her food still in it!

Naturally I was upset and slightly disturbed about this discovery, but I’m a Veteran on the Cube Farm and have seen a lot of crazy shenanigans. Now I’ve never experienced this heinous act of treachery, and I’d really hate to find out how I’d react, but I have heard many tales of the ignorant thievery of lunches that goes on in the call center over the years. So I know better than to put my food in the company refrigerator, PERIOD. Even if said refrigerator has see-through glass.

The Lunch Thief has no regard for social standing in the call center. These thieves don’t care if the lunch belonged to the CFO or a migrant sheep like myself. The gloves are off and it’s every sheep for himself when you take the chance of putting your lunch in a community area.

And what kind of sick individual steals the ENTIRE bag?! I mean really people? You don’t even know what kind of food is in there!! That’s like playing Russian Roulette with your immune system! You don’t know if the person preparing the food has H1N1, or Ebola, or Mersa, or Swine Flu, or Herpes, or Diarrhea!!! I mean you just can’t go around eating food by unknown food preparers!!!

I might have mentioned this before, but lunch is THE most important time in the Cube Farm. Much planning goes into what you eat for lunch! So “Sandra” was stuck with no food, no ready cash, and with only 30 minutes for lunch--due to the MANDATORY overtime our handlers placed on us-- she couldn’t even run out to buy anything! Needless to say she was Pissed OFF!!

So instead of being a complete jerk and telling her that’s what she gets for being stupid enough to leave her fancy bag in there in the first place, I suggested she go to the security desk to see if they can locate the Perpetrator on the security camera. This was, of course, after she finished ranting about losing all faith in humanity, how she's always been a good person and can’t believe this happened to her blah blah blah.

Of course, she had to drag me with her for “moral support”. I really cared, I truly did, but I don’t see why I had to leave my desk and walk with her to the security office, while she was still going on and on about how she loved that bag and how she was looking forward to her roast beef sandwich on Italian bread with garlic herb seasonings and tender baby potatoes. By the time we got to the security desk, all I wanted to do was bash her over the head repeatedly with MY lunch bag-- that wasn’t stolen since I'm SMART and keep it locked up in the cabinet in my cube.

Did I mention I was on lunch and was wasting my 30 allotted minutes to graze in peace before going back to be tortured for another 4 ½ hours?

Long story short, the Toy Cop looked at the cameras to see if they could catch “The Perp” but alas, it was not to be. Of course, the security cameras cut off right before the refrigerator that her lunch bag was in and couldn’t get a clear shot. They even kept looking to see if they could spot someone acting shifty and suspicious clutching a brown and pink polka-dot bag like it carried The Hope Diamond, but unfortunately they were unsuccessful.

So the moral of the story is, if you work on The Cube Farm and you want to be thrifty and bring your lunch from home DON’T PUT YOUR LUNCH IN THE COMPANY PROVIDED REFRIGERATORS!! YOUR LUNCH WILL BE STOLEN!

Got any stolen merchandise work stories? Comment below and let's discuss. 

HOLLA!!!