Tales From The Fraud Department

Cube Farms across the country are very diverse in the services they provide on a customer service level. One of my former co-workers works for a company that monitors and provides fraud protection for many credit card companies. “Peter” has regaled me with countless and uproariously hilarious tales of the drama and the horrors of working in the Fraud Dept. This is one of his stories.

Peter sat in his hard, creaky and extremely uncomfortable swivel chair; which should have been condemned as a safety hazard 20 years ago. He stared at the walls in his miserably small and gray cubical, waiting and dreading his next call.

“Thank you for calling ‘your credit card company fraud dept., this is Peter, how may I assist you today?”

“I WANNA KNOW WHO JUST CALLED ME?! WHO ARE YOU PEOPLE?! WHY DID YOU LEAVE A MSG ON MY PHONE ABOUT SOME CRAP ABOUT FRAUD ON MY CARD?!” The caller roared into the phone, almost causing Peter’s eardrum to burst as Peter quickly jabbed the button repeatedly to turn down the volume. Not that it really helped, the guy was so loud his co-workers in nearby cubes stood up trying to find out where the yelling was coming from.

“Yes, sir you were contacted by our fraud detection department because of a recent transaction and we want to make sure the charge is valid.” “I just need to verify some information from you and we can take a look at your account.” Peter just knew this call was about to go to shit fast! He could smell it already!

“YOU THINK I’M STUPID?! YOU MUST THINK I’M STUPID, IF YOU THINK I BELIEVE THAT MY CREDIT CARD COMPANY IS JUST GONNA CALL ME OUT OF THE BLUE ABOUT SOME DAMN CHARGE ON MY ACCOUNT?! I KNOW ALL ABOUT YOU PEOPLE! YOU PEOPLE CALL UP AND ACT LIKE YOU ARE DOING A SERVICE AND YOU TAKE PEOPLE’S PERSONAL INFORMATION AND SELL IT AND THEN WE HAVE IDENTITY THEFT! WELL I AIN’T FALLING FOR IT!” As the caller screamed and yelled his distrust into the phone with such force and venom, Peter seriously thought the guy was gonna croak from either an aneurysm or a heart attack! Peter could barely get a word in to try to calm the guy down, but he was on a roll as he kept shouting “YOU MUST THINK I’M STUPID!” over and over again.

Peter really didn’t want to deal with this psycho any longer and prayed the guy would just hang up because his co-workers were passing around lunch menus and he didn’t wanna get left out on the ordering. God he wished this guy would shut up already!

“Sir, I completely understand your concern. If you don’t feel comfortable  speaking to me, you can just call the number on the back of your card and the automated system will transfer you to the fraud department.”

“YEAH, I’M GONNA DO THAT! I’M GONNA CALL THE BETTER BUSINESS BUREAU AND THE POLICE AND LET THEM KNOW I GOT A SCAMMER CALLING ME! THEIR GONNA SEARCH THIS NUMBER AND ARREST YOU!" The man screamed before he disconnected the call.

Wow! Peter thought as he thanked God that the call was over, that guy was a complete nut job. Then he went to give his lunch order, he was excited because it was “Tacos Tuesday”! 

As Peter was instant messaging his lunch order, Jenny, a cube farm “newbie” popped up over her cube. 

“Omg! Why was that guy yelling at you?!” she whispers conspiratorially, eyes wide as saucers, headset still firmly planted on her head.

Peter sighed, giving her the look. “Another “happy customer.”

Vicki, a cube "lifer", popped up and joined the conversation.

“Yeah man, that guy was freaking screaming at you,” she laughed.

“He’s been reading too many conspiracy stories. The guy didn’t believe we’re the real credit fraud people.” Peter shook his head. “People these days.”

15 minutes and two calls later………..

“Thank you for calling ‘your credit card company fraud dept., this is Peter, how may I assist you today?”

“PETER?! DID YOU SAY THIS IS PETER?!” OMG! Peter could not believe his dumb luck! The same crazy lunatic just called back! What are the odds that he got back the same crazed psychopath that he JUST got off the phone with! Only his odds! The Gods must truly hate and despise him!!

“Yes sir, this is Peter. How may I assist you today?” Peter prayed to the Sweet Baby Jesus that this guy would cooperate so he could get on with his miserable cube life!!

“I don’t understand, I just called the number on the back of my card, punched in all my information and I got you again?! HOW DID I GET YOU AGAIN?! WHAT KIND OF INSANE OPERATION ARE YOU GUYS RUNNING HERE?! DID YOU HIJACK THE 800 NUMBER ON THE BACK OF MY CARD?!"This guy was completely certifiable; mentally disturbed didn't even begin to describe this guy!

"No sir, this really is "your credit card company's" fraud dept. The reason you were routed to our department is because we placed a hold on your account to make sure there are no fraud charges." Peter felt if he had to repeat this statement one more time he would gouge his eyes out with his head set!

"You say there's a hold on my account?" Wow! Peter thought, maybe this guy is ready to see reason.

"Yes sir, I just need to verify your name, last four digits of your social security number and your date of birth and then we can check out your account." Peter said cheerfully; still praying to Sweet Baby Jesus that this guy would give up the goods so he could eat his damn tacos! They had just arrived and the mouthwatering aroma was making him dizzy!

20 minutes later......

After Peter practically had to talk the irate caller down off a ledge because he was so paranoid and freaked out about giving out "sensitive" information. Peter finally was able to convince the guy he really was the 'real' fraud department and guess what? You guessed it, he really did have fraud on his account, I mean unless he really did purchase life-size blow-up dolls and sexually oriented paraphernalia at a porn shop in China.

If you have any funny stories of your Cube Farm life, please comment!!!

Who Stole My Lunch Bag?!!

There is never a dull moment on the Cube Farm. Just when I’m thinking that this is going to be another Manic Monday, where I’d rather eat glass than take one more phone call, there's a curve ball thrown just in the nick of time to chase the Monday blues away.

So I’m in my cube listening to the 99th customer yammering on and on about how long she’s been on hold and how we are evil incarnate and the root of all her problems, blah blah blah, when my co-worker “Sandra” bolts into my cube all frantic like a crack head looking for crack rock; telling me some thieving ass bastard stole her lunch bag! And not a brown paper bag, but a $30; in my opinion, overpriced insulated lunch bag with her food still in it!

Naturally I was upset and slightly disturbed about this discovery, but I’m a Veteran on the Cube Farm and have seen a lot of crazy shenanigans. Now I’ve never experienced this heinous act of treachery, and I’d really hate to find out how I’d react, but I have heard many tales of the ignorant thievery of lunches that goes on in the call center over the years. So I know better than to put my food in the company refrigerator, PERIOD. Even if said refrigerator has see-through glass.

The Lunch Thief has no regard for social standing in the call center. These thieves don’t care if the lunch belonged to the CFO or a migrant sheep like myself. The gloves are off and it’s every sheep for himself when you take the chance of putting your lunch in a community area.

And what kind of sick individual steals the ENTIRE bag?! I mean really people? You don’t even know what kind of food is in there!! That’s like playing Russian Roulette with your immune system! You don’t know if the person preparing the food has H1N1, or Ebola, or Mersa, or Swine Flu, or Herpes, or Diarrhea!!! I mean you just can’t go around eating food by unknown food preparers!!!

I might have mentioned this before, but lunch is THE most important time in the Cube Farm. Much planning goes into what you eat for lunch! So “Sandra” was stuck with no food, no ready cash, and with only 30 minutes for lunch--due to the MANDATORY overtime our handlers placed on us-- she couldn’t even run out to buy anything! Needless to say she was Pissed OFF!!

So instead of being a complete jerk and telling her that’s what she gets for being stupid enough to leave her fancy bag in there in the first place, I suggested she go to the security desk to see if they can locate the Perpetrator on the security camera. This was, of course, after she finished ranting about losing all faith in humanity, how she's always been a good person and can’t believe this happened to her blah blah blah.

Of course, she had to drag me with her for “moral support”. I really cared, I truly did, but I don’t see why I had to leave my desk and walk with her to the security office, while she was still going on and on about how she loved that bag and how she was looking forward to her roast beef sandwich on Italian bread with garlic herb seasonings and tender baby potatoes. By the time we got to the security desk, all I wanted to do was bash her over the head repeatedly with MY lunch bag-- that wasn’t stolen since I'm SMART and keep it locked up in the cabinet in my cube.

Did I mention I was on lunch and was wasting my 30 allotted minutes to graze in peace before going back to be tortured for another 4 ½ hours?

Long story short, the Toy Cop looked at the cameras to see if they could catch “The Perp” but alas, it was not to be. Of course, the security cameras cut off right before the refrigerator that her lunch bag was in and couldn’t get a clear shot. They even kept looking to see if they could spot someone acting shifty and suspicious clutching a brown and pink polka-dot bag like it carried The Hope Diamond, but unfortunately they were unsuccessful.

So the moral of the story is, if you work on The Cube Farm and you want to be thrifty and bring your lunch from home DON’T PUT YOUR LUNCH IN THE COMPANY PROVIDED REFRIGERATORS!! YOUR LUNCH WILL BE STOLEN!

Got any stolen merchandise work stories? Comment below and let's discuss. 

HOLLA!!!

Manic Mondays

Do you know what I really hate? Not just hate, but loathe? Mondays. But what do I detest more than Mondays? Sitting in my gun metal gray cubicle, answering back to back calls on a Monday. All the crazies decide to come out to play. It’s like Free Cheese Day at the Soup Kitchen, EVERYONE shows up. It seems that NO ONE has taken their behavior modification medicine. I'm gonna nickname it, NO MEDS MONDAY'S!!! Seriously, Mondays on the Cube Farm is pure Hell.

Everybody, and I mean EVERYBODY, waits to call and dump all their problems on Monday. They probably decided to wait until the weekend is over cause they're too blazed (i.e. drunk and/or high) to call, or they think the call center is closed. Being too blazed or too lazy to check their bill, they don’t realize that my center is open. Unfortunately, we’re here 24 hours a day, 7 days a week, 365 days a year. So even when Jesus comes back, someone will be there to take your call.

Another reason I hate Mondays is that my fellow sheep are notorious for calling out! You wouldn’t believe how many stomach viruses and upper respiratory infections you can catch over the weekend. So now I have to hear incredibly annoying and IRATE customers yell at me all day about how long they've been holding to speak to a live person. I answer the phone, trying my damnest to interject peppy into my voice, and I immediately get, "I've been on the phone for 45 minutes!!" I'm thinking...So what?! I've been on the phone for 8 hours, what the hell are you complaining about?!!

I swear people are like 999 times ruder on Monday's. Everyone is pissed off, stressed out, easily aggravated and just plain ole shitty. Even my coworkers have an attitude! There is nothing more annoying than cranky sheep who have been herded back in from the freedom of the fields, for another hard day on the Cube Farm.

Monday's in general are the most fucked up days in the call center. And for those of you who don't work on Monday's.... You can kick bricks with an open-toed shoe!!!!!

You Might Work in a Call Center if...

As a sheep being culled on The Cube Farm, I have observed the same behavior patterns over and over again of my fellow sheep in their natural habitat. For over 15 years, I have been worked in all types of call centers. Most of them having the “typical” cube farm atmosphere, but all of them inspire the same peculiar characteristics and behavior of the people who work there. Below are just a few observations that seem to be universal.

Your headset becomes an unstylish appendage.

Taking it on and off becomes a hassle, so you wear it when you go to the bathroom, the break room, and outside on your smoke break. You even encounter other natives who have also decided that this is the ULTIMATE in call center fashion.

Your work greeting becomes your home greeting.

Over a period of time, you slowly start bringing work home. “Thank you for calling ‘call center’ this is--” “Uh Mary, this is Barb, your mother-in-law….I think it’s time for you to take a vacation.” The only thing worse than using your work greeting at home, is dreaming about work!

You start to dream about your work space and your co-workers.

You actually get excited and tell your co-workers you dreamed about them last night. And these depraved individuals think it’s great that you somehow incorporated them in your dream! Anytime you start dreaming about work, it’s a sign and NOT a good one. Start planning a vacation immediately!

You steal peeks at your hidden contraband (cell phone), like a teen sneaking sips of daddy’s bourbon.

Since cell phones can be a security risk for sensitive company information, we often throw caution to the wind in order to find out the latest Facebook posts or Twitter handles. Nothing on the planet amuses me more when I see a co-worker almost smash their hand to close the desk drawer when someone walks past to avoid getting caught.

The smell of food has heads frantically popping up over cubicles like wack-a-moles.

When anyone brings in food, the hunt is on to find out who brought in the food, where the smell is coming from, or you and your co-workers try naming foods, off what they think it ‘smells like’. Finally the individuals who ordered the food takes pity on us and tells us what it is. Which sets off mild aggression when it’s discovered that “WE” weren’t included in the lunch order.

You see randomly labeled “company owned items” with co-worker’s names on them.

Natives need to mark their territory, so they write their names on swivel chairs, pens, staplers and other miscellaneous office supplies, as if these are items that they contributed to the workspace, even though they were assigned to us in orientation. Pretty soon folks will lift their legs and just start pissing in their cubes.

Lunch time is a major motion picture production and must be taken seriously.

Figuring out what you’re going to eat for lunch is THE most important task you will complete for the day. More important than calling Mrs. Jones back to figure out why her claim didn’t pay, more important than answering the 50 emails from customers about their water bill late fee and even more important than the 100+ calls that have been in queue for over 45 minutes! Ordering your lunch takes about an hour and includes at least 2 or 3 different departments on different floors, not to mention the security guy, because you definitely don’t wanna get on his bad side. But once planned and your lunch received just makes your day 100 times better. (No one wants to go outside of the building to deal with whatever weather they may encounter, much less lose their awesome parking spot)

People’s cubicles begin to look like mini apartments with personal effects.

You spend so much time at work you want to surround yourself with a little slice of home, ie: plants, picture frames, inspirational plaques, calendars, desk fans, and throw rugs. (After all, there’s only so much gun metal gray you can take, before you completely snap and start dreaming about taking out your co-workers) s/n: don’t even get me started on “theme” cubicles, that’s a post for another day!

You see people running out of the office in droves at designated break times and make a bee line for smoke areas, the break room or the bathroom.

You gotta make the most out of your break time, and it’s amazing how fast you can pee, grab a snack, smoke a cigarette, run out to your car and chat with your co-workers in 15 minutes. (Trust me, I’ve done all of those things and made it back with time to spare…it’s called “time management”.)

No one can EVER finish a complete conversation, before being interrupted by a call.

“Hey Sarah, how was your trip to the lake?” “Omg Brian, it was great we—“Thank you for calling (call center) this is Sarah how can I help you?” LATER ON….”Oh now where was I? OH YEAH, the lake was AW--“Sorry, Sarah, I got a call, Thank you for calling (call center) this is Brian how can I help you?” MUCH, MUCH LATER…”hey Sarah what were we talking about again?” “Oh wow Brian, I completely forgot…what’s for lunch?”

A small riot breaks out if the last person who got coffee FORGETS to start another batch.

In order for the natives to stay highly positive, peppy people, giving excellent customer service, there MUST be coffee available at all times! The alternative is severely crabby people, who really don’t give two cents about your problems and that is definitely not good for service levels. (The alternative is the “real” way the natives feel…the coffee ensures that a “happy” native is a helpful native!)

Utilizing the mute button can be a life saver or your worst enemy!

You’re providing excellent customer service, when you happen to overhear a few colleagues ordering lunch. (Since the customer is going on and on, you look at your phone, employ the mute button after making sure it’s engaged then ordering…“Hey Sarah, I want the Nutty Nana Salad from Chicken Salad Chick with extra pecans. “Then you take the mute off and continue on with the blah, blah blah…”Yes Mrs. Jones I have definitely processed your claim”…no harm, no foul. AS I stated, as long as it’s done properly. I have heard stories, of people “thinking” they hit the mute button, but tragically they are no longer employed. So like I said, use it properly and most importantly, pay attention….unless you WANT to get kicked off The Cube Farm a lot sooner than you projected.