You Might Work in a Call Center if...

As a sheep being culled on The Cube Farm, I have observed the same behavior patterns over and over again of my fellow sheep in their natural habitat. For over 15 years, I have been worked in all types of call centers. Most of them having the “typical” cube farm atmosphere, but all of them inspire the same peculiar characteristics and behavior of the people who work there. Below are just a few observations that seem to be universal.

Your headset becomes an unstylish appendage.

Taking it on and off becomes a hassle, so you wear it when you go to the bathroom, the break room, and outside on your smoke break. You even encounter other natives who have also decided that this is the ULTIMATE in call center fashion.

Your work greeting becomes your home greeting.

Over a period of time, you slowly start bringing work home. “Thank you for calling ‘call center’ this is--” “Uh Mary, this is Barb, your mother-in-law….I think it’s time for you to take a vacation.” The only thing worse than using your work greeting at home, is dreaming about work!

You start to dream about your work space and your co-workers.

You actually get excited and tell your co-workers you dreamed about them last night. And these depraved individuals think it’s great that you somehow incorporated them in your dream! Anytime you start dreaming about work, it’s a sign and NOT a good one. Start planning a vacation immediately!

You steal peeks at your hidden contraband (cell phone), like a teen sneaking sips of daddy’s bourbon.

Since cell phones can be a security risk for sensitive company information, we often throw caution to the wind in order to find out the latest Facebook posts or Twitter handles. Nothing on the planet amuses me more when I see a co-worker almost smash their hand to close the desk drawer when someone walks past to avoid getting caught.

The smell of food has heads frantically popping up over cubicles like wack-a-moles.

When anyone brings in food, the hunt is on to find out who brought in the food, where the smell is coming from, or you and your co-workers try naming foods, off what they think it ‘smells like’. Finally the individuals who ordered the food takes pity on us and tells us what it is. Which sets off mild aggression when it’s discovered that “WE” weren’t included in the lunch order.

You see randomly labeled “company owned items” with co-worker’s names on them.

Natives need to mark their territory, so they write their names on swivel chairs, pens, staplers and other miscellaneous office supplies, as if these are items that they contributed to the workspace, even though they were assigned to us in orientation. Pretty soon folks will lift their legs and just start pissing in their cubes.

Lunch time is a major motion picture production and must be taken seriously.

Figuring out what you’re going to eat for lunch is THE most important task you will complete for the day. More important than calling Mrs. Jones back to figure out why her claim didn’t pay, more important than answering the 50 emails from customers about their water bill late fee and even more important than the 100+ calls that have been in queue for over 45 minutes! Ordering your lunch takes about an hour and includes at least 2 or 3 different departments on different floors, not to mention the security guy, because you definitely don’t wanna get on his bad side. But once planned and your lunch received just makes your day 100 times better. (No one wants to go outside of the building to deal with whatever weather they may encounter, much less lose their awesome parking spot)

People’s cubicles begin to look like mini apartments with personal effects.

You spend so much time at work you want to surround yourself with a little slice of home, ie: plants, picture frames, inspirational plaques, calendars, desk fans, and throw rugs. (After all, there’s only so much gun metal gray you can take, before you completely snap and start dreaming about taking out your co-workers) s/n: don’t even get me started on “theme” cubicles, that’s a post for another day!

You see people running out of the office in droves at designated break times and make a bee line for smoke areas, the break room or the bathroom.

You gotta make the most out of your break time, and it’s amazing how fast you can pee, grab a snack, smoke a cigarette, run out to your car and chat with your co-workers in 15 minutes. (Trust me, I’ve done all of those things and made it back with time to spare…it’s called “time management”.)

No one can EVER finish a complete conversation, before being interrupted by a call.

“Hey Sarah, how was your trip to the lake?” “Omg Brian, it was great we—“Thank you for calling (call center) this is Sarah how can I help you?” LATER ON….”Oh now where was I? OH YEAH, the lake was AW--“Sorry, Sarah, I got a call, Thank you for calling (call center) this is Brian how can I help you?” MUCH, MUCH LATER…”hey Sarah what were we talking about again?” “Oh wow Brian, I completely forgot…what’s for lunch?”

A small riot breaks out if the last person who got coffee FORGETS to start another batch.

In order for the natives to stay highly positive, peppy people, giving excellent customer service, there MUST be coffee available at all times! The alternative is severely crabby people, who really don’t give two cents about your problems and that is definitely not good for service levels. (The alternative is the “real” way the natives feel…the coffee ensures that a “happy” native is a helpful native!)

Utilizing the mute button can be a life saver or your worst enemy!

You’re providing excellent customer service, when you happen to overhear a few colleagues ordering lunch. (Since the customer is going on and on, you look at your phone, employ the mute button after making sure it’s engaged then ordering…“Hey Sarah, I want the Nutty Nana Salad from Chicken Salad Chick with extra pecans. “Then you take the mute off and continue on with the blah, blah blah…”Yes Mrs. Jones I have definitely processed your claim”…no harm, no foul. AS I stated, as long as it’s done properly. I have heard stories, of people “thinking” they hit the mute button, but tragically they are no longer employed. So like I said, use it properly and most importantly, pay attention….unless you WANT to get kicked off The Cube Farm a lot sooner than you projected.